This guide has been created by the USS Takeda Shingen Peon (Enlisted) Collective to prepare incoming enlisted personnel for the reality of an encounter with Lieutenant Commander Therav th'Shan, the Chief of Security of the USS Takeda Shingen, or the likelier reality of an encounter with one of his underlings ("Goons").
Full Name: This is unimportant. Shan is all you need to know. It is widely thought that Hravitherav and the th' prefix are the stuttering or sputtering sounds people usually make when addressing him.
Age: Unimportant. Every birthday is just another year added to his existence, which sucks for you.
Rank: Lieutenant Commander. But it does not matter. He is the emperor-god-king of his domain. If he were a lowly mail clerk, he would still be emperor-god-king of that and exert every inch of authority possible.
Position: Formally, Chief of Security and Tactical Operations. Informally, the-guy-who-can-see-through-walls, and that is all that matters.
Species: It is rumored that he might be an Andorian. The reason this is only a rumor is because nobody will look at him long enough to actually confirm this. The antennae are actually devices for seeing through walls and knowing who is engaging in self-pleasuring or unauthorized drinking (which is to say any drinking that he himself is not doing).
Height: Shan is not short. He is the right height for ramming his fist into your crotch, or smashing your solar plexus with his skull, which might be made of duranium. YOU on the other hand are the right height for him to do serious damage to you. And no matter what height you are, and how far away your neck is from his, somehow he is still able to get his hand around your neck. So give him good clearance. But most likely, you will not ever have a personal encounter with the man (or at least it's assumed he's a man, since nobody will look closely enough to verify this), but rather his goons.
Political beliefs: Shan thinks that oxygen and water should be sold. That they are free is proof that the universe is Communist. Shan opposes Communism with a passion. Communism hasn't existed in centuries, but Shan likes the idea, because it gives him something to righteously oppose so he can have a reason to be perpetually disgruntled.
Religious beliefs: Shan does not believe in god, because he does not like competition.
How to spot him: Shan is like a black hole. You look for the accretion disk - not the actual hole. Look for a group of marching, 6'4 humans and there is probably a 5'5 Andorian hidden away in there somewhere... although it is widely understood that most of the time he controls his personal army by telepathy or remote control.
Things you most need to know: He has the magic ability to know when you are looking at pornography. He is also aware of the location of all of the alcohol on the ship that is not in his own impressive personal stash, and he Does Not Approve.
His colon: It is common knowledge that Shan suffers from chronic constipation. The look on his face and straightness of his back can only come from the unparalleled joy of having a permanently blocked colon.
The facts about Shan's constipation are hotly debated. Among the suspicions:
* He does not poop; he lacks a colon
* He eats coal instead of food. Every so often he requires surgery to remove diamonds from his intestinal tract.
* He DOES defecate, but his intestinal system works in the following way. He sucks all the joy and optimism out of a room, and then his body re-processes these as hard little nuggets of despair that are used as grenades. This is how the Dominion War was won.
* There is one species of being capable of completely reducing Shan into a blubbering little girl. That being wears either a Caduceus or Star of Life. In fact, the presence of a medical tricorder or stethoscope is to Shan what a cross is to a vampire. Simply hold it up, and he will cower if he doesn't physically run away. Surround him by medics and he will do your bidding, after you grab and subdue him, but be careful, as his tears are acid. However, this is necessary as the medics often bottle them and sell them on the black market.
* Chocolate will make him violently ill.
Social relationships: Shan has only one friend... see below.
More on his relationship with alcohol: It is widely rumored that Shan imbibes a great deal of ethanol and is often hung-over. This must be addressed. Shan does not have an alcohol problem. Alcohol has a Shan problem. And the "hung over" state is actually an improvement upon his usual disposition. It is impossible, also, for someone incapable of actual intoxication, to have a "problem". When Shan drinks, he does not get drunk. Alcohol gets Shan.
Education: It is known for a fact that Shan is functionally illiterate and also cannot write. How he became a Starfleet officer, is no question, because one neither needs to be literate, a writer, or articulate to become this, as you as Enlisted personnel should know. That is why none of us believe he could possibly be a user of the BBS.
* He is able to cry, but probably cries acid tears that can eat metal.
* He likes shiny knives, cuddling by the fireplace, and walks on the beach.
* It is known that he has a small child, but uncertain how he actually reproduced... cloning and budding have both been considered.
Other things that it is important to know:
1. Shan will consume his weight in human flesh to maintain his pretty blue color.
2. Shan eats the hearts of young children.
3. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Shan allows to live.
4. Shan doesnt wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
5. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Shan once and he will slice your face off with his ushaan-tor, and use your face as a coaster.
6. Shan is the only sentient being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly his goons will find you.
7. Contrary to popular belief, the Federation is not a democracy, it is a Shantocracy.
8. Shan's goons can hit you so hard that they can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"
9. Shan doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
10. Shan is not actually an Andorian but the avatar of the Prince of Darkness. Those aren't antennae, they're horns.
11. Shan sheds his skin twice a year.
12. The Shingen has no doors, only walls that Shan's goons walk through.
13. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Shan's Goons have been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
14. Shan cannot actually talk. He has no larynx. He telepathically controls his goons, who talk for him.
15. Shan grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
16. Shan's blue color is not because he is (rumored to be) Andorian, but because he does not actually require oxygen to breathe.
17. Shan is really just misunderstood.
18. Some of Shan's facts were adapted from The Facts about Chuck Norris. We do
not know who Chuck Norris is. Shan does not allow us to know.
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Since y'all know nothing about the character I do the most posting of, here he is. As known via rumor.